A night in Swan Ward (www.womenontheirway.co.uk)

September 8, 2009 jocameron0

A night in Swan Ward

“You better come in” the nurse on the end of the phone said. I knew they would say that. With my past history I knew they would want to check me out.

I had been remembering a special little girl, my daughter Emmeline, who should have been three today. The emotion of the day was welling up and it had reached fever pitch. It had once again crept up on up me when I was least expecting it. It was sending my belly into spasm. The practise contractions were getting more intense and powerful. Perhaps this was it. Perhaps today was the day that my second daughter was going to be born. On her sister’s third birthday – that would be too much of a coincidence. Perhaps it was just another hurdle that I needed to climb, another milestone to survive or perhaps this was the real thing??

I had been to visit my first daughter’s grave earlier in the day. I had also bumped into some old faces which had stirred some emotion.

Bending down was difficult so I took a camping chair to sit on whilst I refreshed her little vases. With the vase between my legs I cut and prepared her yellow roses to place at her headstone. I chatted to her and brought her up to date with everything. I thanked her for looking out for us and for bringing us a new little baby who wriggled away in my tummy. Emmeline will always be my first born and she will always have a special place in my life.

Later that evening as I my tummy cramped and took my breath away, it bought back painful memories. I lay in the hospital bed breathing through each cramp. I was only 34 weeks and it was too early. This time I wanted it to be oh so different.

As the medical staff filed in, one by one, with the familiar questions, I knew the drill. For weeks I had been in hospital with Emmeline and knew the process.

In my heart I knew she wasn’t coming. They thought differently. They offered me steroids to boost the baby’s lungs. I refused. They wanted to examine me. I refused. Going by the book, it looked like baby was on the way but in my heart I knew the opposite. My intuition told me that it wasn’t time yet. This was a practise run. It was the emotion of the day that had stirred my unborn baby.

I was anxious and my legs shook with tension. Julian, my partner was pensive, focussed but trusting of my judgement.

We jointly decided to leave it for an hour to see what happened. The contractions calmed and the tension eroded. I was discharged the next day as everything subsided.

When Julian and I discussed it later on we realised something had to change. I knew I had to go into the next birth, cool, calm and collected. There were things that still lingered in my mind that needed dealing with. Perhaps today was designed to teach me that.

Sometimes, although we think we know how to deal with things we need help from others. By asking ourselves the question “how do I deal with my fears”, throws up a range of solutions.

The answer for me was rescue remedy, lavender oil for Julian to massage my back, a dose of hypno-birthing and breathing exercises to practise before the birth. It also included getting the bag properly packed with everything that I will need for baby and I, almond oil, tea tree oil for afterwards and relaxing birthing music to breathe along to. The list went on.

To deal with a deep seated fear takes some effort and I wanted to do it all. It’s a mind and body approach of ‘massive action’. Its covering all bases, its leaving no stone unturned. Fear is lack of preparation but now I’m ready.

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