What’s it like waiting for baby

October 11, 2009 jocameron0

What’s it like waiting for baby

My heads in a spin and its buzzing like a bee. There is nothing in the diary as it’s been cleared just in case. I wake each day to think that today is the day. Each day I count the minutes, each minute I count the seconds. Sometimes I get a rumble in my tummy and I think that it’s all systems go. Sometimes I get other signs that tell me she is on her way. Each one is a false alarm that picks me up then drops me like a stone.  “I thought this was it” but then it all stops. I eagerly look for signs that things are moving but each one lets me down and I’m back on the blocks. Like a wave of hope each one crashes onto the beach.

Its like standing at the door waiting for an exam that never starts; like a horse in the traps waiting for the gun to sound but not knowing when. Like a runner on the line waiting for the start, like a car on the grid waiting for the flag that never drops. Like waiting for Father Christmas but not knowing when he’s coming. Its one step forward then three steps back. Its feet on the blocks then off once again once more.

It’s been a long and winding road to get to here, eight months 4 days. There have been diversions and detours, knockbacks and challenges.  There have been some peaks and there have been troughs. There have been some highs and there have been lows. There have been tears and there’s been laughter, there’s been fear and there’s been hope.  Up and down this pregnancy journey has taken me, like a roller coaster ride at brake neck speed. White-knuckle riding with baby in tow.

The first baby after loss is always a difficult journey. Each creak and grown stops you in your cracks, each kick from inside takes your breath away.  Each day brings new symptoms and each check brings more to think about. It’s like living on a knife edge. It’s like teetering on the edge of the cliff hoping that you won’t fall off.  It’s a constant battle between what you know to be true and what you fear for the worst. It’s your head and your heart wrestling it through.

With only three days to go, it feels like three years.  I do my best to pass the time but time stands still as the world spins around me. My life is on pause until my baby is born.

“Come on my darling I don’t want to wait anymore”

Entry Filed under: Parenthood

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