Scared of my own baby
October 31, 2009
jocameron0
Scared of my own baby???
The sound of crying rings out once more. Dad has just taken Georgia out for a long walk but as soon as the door is open the crying starts again. Of course she wants her mum. It’s time for a feed. Dad can’t do breast feeding, that’s a job only mum can do. “I can’t do this over and over again” the chatterbox in my head teases me. My breasts are sore and I’m tired. I have just had a nice rest for an hour but it never seems enough. Life is never the same again once a baby arrives.
She is only 17 days old and I’m not quite sure where those days have gone. It is easier than it was then. We look at photos of when we first bought her home and it was fraught and clumsy. I was struggling after a c section and couldn’t move about. Sleeping was a nightmare as I set the alarm for every twenty minutes to check she was OK. Changing her was problematic and it was all very tense.
17 days on the challenges are different. My body is changing and my brain is playing catch up. I can walk properly for the first time in months, I can breathe because my lungs have room to inhale and I can eat what I want because the gestational diabetes isn’t there anymore. I can sleep on my back and I can wash my feet. All changes for the better. Then why does my brain keep telling me I can’t cope. I run a business, I negotiate deals, I manage staff, I speak in front of hundreds and do live TV then why do I feel like I can cope with a 17 day old baby?
Tomorrow I have a morning with her on my own again and I am wondering how to cope. What if she cries constantly, what if she won’t settle, what if I don’t get time to shower, what if I hate it??!!!?!?! How can I be scared of my own daughter!!
Yesterday I walked along the street in tears and on the phone to my friend, sobbing and panting wondering if I was normal. “I don’t think I can do it, my life is over, when will I ever manage to fit in my daily runs ever again, I don’t feel like a mum yet, sometimes I feel a million miles away, I just want to go and have a few glasses of red!!!.” She reassured my everything I was feeling was normal and I cried until we started to laugh.
I know what I’m feeling is normal because I’m in transition. I’m changing, emerging and must go with it. The fear that I feel is normal and natural. The anxiety I feel is stretch and growth. The feeling I can’t cope is because I am treading into the dark, into a land unknown, that of babydom. A land where I have never been before.
When I let myself go it feels new and exciting, fresh and alive. Challenging and testing and always something new to learn. Each new day brings something different to learn, each day brings something that I didn’t know about myself.
In a few days time the chatter will ease, each day it will get less, each day it will get quieter until one day I wake and its gone altogether.
Tomorrow is a new day and I will do one hour at a time, one small step until the day is done. Each day I do brings me closer to becoming a mum without even thinking about it. A mum on auto pilot is where I want to be, natural and easy and going with the flow.
Entry Filed under: Parenthood
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1.
Claire |
January 17, 2010 at 7:33 pm
Jo
I remember feeling exactly the same when my daughter was born. In the end after 3 weeks of feeling unable to cope I stopped beating myself up and told myself to take each moment as it came. We think we can control our lives, the best lesson our kids teach us that we can only influence most of what happens in our lives. In the end I focused on the moment and told myself to fake it til I made it. My daughter will be 10 this year, my son is 7 they are the best life lesson I have ever or will have. Just throw yourself into it, don;t hold back and you will be fine.