My Heart Was Breaking
January 3, 2010
jocameron0
My heart was breaking
The agony in my belly told me that something wasn’t right. I knew from the dates that my period was due. It was a message to say that once again I wasn’t pregnant.
Today was my first day back at work and I couldn’t face it. I screwed myself up into a ball and sobbed, and sobbed and sobbed. The pain in my stomach matched the ache in my heart. For months I had been hoping, praying and looking for signs that this was the month. Once again, nothing, no baby, no joy and no hope. Another month of trying was all that we could wish for.
I couldn’t do it anymore. If a baby wasn’t meant to be, then a baby wasn’t meant to be. I’d hit the lowest point. Today I had given up. I lay in bed and cried for hours. Crying for the loss of something that had never been. My heart was breaking, aching and empty.
The science had told me that a baby was unlikely but I had refused to believe it. I thought I knew best because my heart was telling me to carry on. But enough was enough. It was never going to happen. That’s it, game over, no baby, no rejoice.
I had tried everything. I had given up the odd glass of red, I was taking vitamins and minerals, I’d spent a small fortune on acupuncture and hypnotherapy. I was fit and healthy but nothing was working. Nothing. A life without children is what we faced. Today I was grieving and planning a different route. The world is unfair but I had accepted that this was not our lot.
That day was a year ago today.
Tomorrow I wake to a new dawn. I wake with vigour, with energy and with passion. What a difference a year makes. Tomorrow, like every day I wake with a tiny baby sleeping by my side. What I thought I was an impossibility has become a new reality.
What a difference a year makes…………
As I look back and reflect, I realise that I had been trying too hard. I had wanted it too much and was forcing it before it was due. “It will happen when the time is right” people used to tell me but I didn’t believe them. Every month I hoped that this would be the month, but every month I sank. In my heart I knew we would get there but my head was telling me a different story.
Two weeks after the day I cried in my bed, we conceived.
If something you wanted last year hasn’t showed up yet, never give up hope, never give up trying, never lose the faith and keep it locked in your heart.
An old Roman saying sums it up so well
While there’s life, there’s hope!
Happy New Year to you and I trust that it brings you want you want – Jo Cameron
Entry Filed under: Turnaroundability
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1.
Annabel |
January 3, 2010 at 8:37 pm
Found a link to this on Twitter. What a beautiful, wondeful post, and one I can resonate with. As soon as we ‘stopped trying’, it happened. I’m now proud Mum of a beautiful, funny and loving 4 year old little girl – she is the light of our lives and I cannot imagine being on this earth without her. I thank God!
Much love to you – enjoy being a Mummy,
Annabel xXx
2.
jocameron0 |
January 18, 2010 at 9:04 am
thank you annabel – what a wonderful message – thank you xxx
3.
Emma |
January 12, 2010 at 2:47 pm
Jo,
I love your BLOGS – they are written from the heart – and this particular one has struck a chord. I think so many of us have been in this situation throughout our lives and when we do fall pregant – we truly appreciate the miracle of life.
Keep writing Jo.
4.
Mary Colorado |
January 12, 2010 at 2:55 pm
Jo, Happy new year to you and your family. I am pleased for you with the birth of your child. The longing is now all over and you are right never give up hope.
Congratulations
All the best.
Kind regards,
Mary Colorado
5.
Tracey Ford |
March 8, 2010 at 8:09 am
Jo, Congratulations on your wonderful joyous news! May everyday remind you of how precious life really is!
6.
lilactreecreations |
March 11, 2010 at 12:33 pm
Lovely post. You are so right, time is the answer to a lot of questions.. one year DOES make a difference. This time last year I didnt know I am going to start a business which looks achivable now.. Enjoyed reading your blog, will come back again .. Enjoy every moment with your child, they grow very fast